1. Open Your Hearts – It is important to be “tuned in to” our loved ones when we are with them. This should also include telephone conversations. During those times, the greatest gift we can give is ourselves. We cannot turn back the clock and we cannot affect miracle cures. We can be emotionally available for the people we love who are ailing or frightened. Nurturing an open, honest and caring relationship is a tremendous gift to your loved one under senior care.

2. Take Care of Yourself – Alyce Rudden is a wonderful and caring nursing home social worker who told me, ” When we do this work, there must be other things in our lives.” I have thought of her wise words often. When your visit with a loved one comes to a close or you hang up the telephone, immediately do something for yourself. Have that cappuccino, take a walk in the park, or just take a moment to quietly breathe. Pursue activities that bring joy and pleasure. You need them now more then ever. Time spent on yourself will reap dividends in the capacity to “recharge” you for your loved one under assisted care.

3. Live Life Fully – Now there’s a tall order! But it is, I believe, the most important order. Following the tragedy of September 11th, I spent a year speaking with groups of seniors in NYC. When I asked one group if they did anything differently following that day, one woman said, ” I hug my family before I leave the house every morning. We can’t know how long any one of us has to live. ” I’ll never forget that wise response. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Keep your priorities in order. Don’t procrastinate. And when there is a choice of now or later, strongly consider now.

4. Finish Unfinished Business – Families can sometimes be messy and complicated. In some families, the adult ” children, ” who may be 50 or 60 years old, reunite when a parent becomes ill and then soon behave like five or ten year old children. Squabbles may ensue and statements like, ” Dad always liked you best, ” or ” You’re only interested in the money ” are common. The best gift a family can give themselves, and future generations, is to discuss and resolve longstanding resentments and disappointments, and come together in the anticipated loss of the loved one.

Families should come to terms with what was good as well as with what was not. Some families may wish to avail themselves of professional help to do this work. This is something that needs to think about. So ruminate away, and please feel free to be in touch with any comments or questions.